I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
