ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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