The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
