drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
