she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
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