Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
