I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
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