Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
i need some magic done to my vagina
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I have post one night stand depression
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