I CAN MOONWALK!
the condom got lost in my hair
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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