I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
