Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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