Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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