Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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