Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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