If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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