I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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