When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
