St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I party with great urgency now.
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