I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
