Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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