I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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