I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
