Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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