There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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