and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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