so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It's official drugs can't kill me
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
