I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
