my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
