i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
