dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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