Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
