And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
