so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
