remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
