it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
you made out with another girl for some wings
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
