my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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