i jhust puked up my retainher.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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