i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
