It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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