The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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