When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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