I just saw a hot homeless man
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
