i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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