my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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