why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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