whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
