ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm so fucking centered right now
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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