I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
