Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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