you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So vagazzling was a success
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
