I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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