the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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